What to do when you argue with your teenager (or anybody for that matter)

When I argue with my teenager, I go away and silently use this practice. It changes the energy around us and I get a new perspective. It also reminds me that although they may seem to be grown up, they are still trying to find their boundaries and they will try and extend these with those they feel safest with.

For some reason this works. It’s called Ho’ oponoopono and is a Pacific Islander practice that results in reconciliation.

Note you are not saying it to your teenager or saying it for a specific reason. It is a meditative practice – just repeat the 4 lines over and over again.

Used by priests and Kahuna’s to heal sicknesses that is believed to be caused by arguments and fights – this is magically transforming.

Every time I use it after a rift with someone, everything just flows, whether I apologize to them or not.

the words are:

I am sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

The below video is a lovely rendition of it.

regards Sofia.

Why is it so hard to be kind?

This morning I was doing a masters swimming squad and a new lady joined. As she tired she would stop at the end of the lane and then spread herself in the middle making it extremely difficult for other swimmers to do a tumble turn. Eventually I asked her to stand at the close to the lane ropes but felt awkward doing so. Of course in my mind I am justifying how dangerous it is, how she should know better, how I wish others would tell her, how I could do a tumble turn and “accidentally” bump her on purpose (not kind I know but she would get the message) mumph, mumph, mumph….forgetting that we are all human, that mostly we all want the same thing :- to be valued, loved, happy and healthy.
I became aware of that little critical voice in my head that not only criticizes others but constantly criticizes me and it is exhausting!

Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.

Theodore Isaac Rubin

Regards Sofia

Sexual fluidity – are you a lesbian?

I am happily married to a man for over 20 years. Much to my dismay I found that my friendship with another woman turned into an exciting and deeply disturbing infatuation. Although it was never openly acknowledged or acted upon, it did cause some awkwardness and sent me running for a therapist.

Was I a lesbian?
What did this mean for my marriage and my children?
Would loved ones accept me if they found out I was a lesbian?

It was one of most painful but wonderful things that happened. By allowing myself to openly examine my feelings and past instances of similar infatuations, I was able to learn about how common sexual fluidity is in women. Here are some of the facts I learned.

Facts about women’s sexual fluidity, lesbianism and homosexuality.

Sexual fluidity definition: having your sexual responsiveness change depending on the situation or relationship.This may prompt you to desire either sex. This is particularly true for women and they have no control over it.

Sexual orientation in woman is poorly understood as most research has focused on male homosexuality and it has been assumed that it is similar for females. This is not the case. Females are in general much more sexually fluid than males. Their sexual desire has greater variability and expression over a lifespan.

Labeling yourself or others as a “lesbian” is often confusing because are you referring to a) behavior, b) self-identity or c)sexual desires expressed as fantasies or attractions.

Sexual orientation means a consistent sexual desire, over a period of time, for either someone of the same-sex, other-sex or both sexes. Researchers generally agree that it is your sexual desire that determines your sexual orientation, not your behavior or your sexual identity (lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual)

So a woman can sexually desire other women all her life, whilst being happily married to a man and thus self identify as a heterosexual. Even though she may never experience a same-sex relationship, researchers would consider her sexual orientation to be lesbian or same-sex because she consistently sexually desires other women.

Of course it is never as simple as that – what about the odd crush – or what about someone like Anne Heche who was exclusively heterosexual and then fell madly with Ellen DeGeneres and is currently in a heterosexual relationship. Similarly their are long-term lesbians who find themselves attracted to males in their 40’s and 50’s. Sexual fluidity over time is not unusual and wait for it – normal.

According to Professor Lucy Diamond in her excellent book Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire, a mature and adaptive approach is to adopt a more changeable identity that is situation or relationship specific. So when you find yourself shaken up and unable to stop thinking about another woman, don’t be ashamed, your reaction is normal and in line with what most women experience. Calm down, you are attracted to the person rather than their gender. Common traits that make others attractive like kindness, humor and intelligence are equally common in both men and women.

Of course, what you do about it will depend on your circumstances and the other persons feelings.

In my case, once I figured out why I was attracted to her – she reminded me of an episode in my childhood when my mother was emotionally unattainability – the infatuation fizzled and now she is just a friend.

regards Sofia (ala Myrtle)

Inside the teenage brain

Last night my teenager had sore shoulders from sunburn despite being sent to the beach with 2 bottles of sunscreen, anyway she asks me can she put something cold on her shoulders. Despite the fact we have several frozen gel packs ready for just such emergencies, this morning I find a squished bag of defrosted baby peas next to her bed. Peas for the next 4 meals..sigh.


Before I start shouting I remind myself what goes on inside the teenage brain – they have underdeveloped pre-frontal lobes. They cannot understand the full implications of any decisions they make. The latest research shows: Girls develop this by 21 and Boys only by 25.. Note to me :- they do not think like me, they cannot think like me, count from 10 backwards… never helped before but will try 🙂

teenage brain development stage

During adolescence, the brain begins its final stages of maturation and continues to rapidly
develop well into a person’s early 20s, concluding around the age of 25.5
• The prefrontal cortex, which governs the “executive functions” of reasoning, advanced thought
and impulse control, is the final area of the human brain to mature.
• Adolescents generally seek greater risks for various social, emotional and physical reasons,
including changes in the brain’s neurotransmitters, such as dopamine, which influence memory,
concentration, problem-solving and other mental functions. Dopamine is not yet at its most
effective level in adolescence.7
• Adolescents commonly experience “reward-deficiency syndrome,” which means they are no
longer stimulated by activities that thrilled them as younger children. Thus, they often engage in
activities of greater risk and higher stimulation in efforts to achieve similar levels of excitement.
• Adolescents must rely heavily on the parts of the brain that house the emotional centers when
making decisions, because the frontal regions of their brains are not fully developed.